If You Think About It, Toilet Paper Commercials Are Disgusting

**I’m going to apologize in advance for posting two bodily function posts back to back. In my defense, it’s been over a week since the last one and I had this idea a while ago.**

I don’t normally pay attention to commercials because their cheesy and/or dumb. However, a while ago I was watching a Charmin commercial (you know, the one with the cartoon bears?) and thought “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS.”

First off, there are bears talking to me about toilet paper. Cartoon bears.

The only logical reason for using bears instead of people is to make it easier to discuss unpleasant things…because cartoon animals make anything automatically cute! This is the same thing adults pull on children by distracting them with something adorable while telling them not to take delicious candy from strangers.

They keep explaining to me the woes of “leaving pieces behind.”

I personally do not know when I was successfully potty-trained–it’s not something I care to learn about myself. However, I don’t ever remember having this problem. I can’t even fathom HOW this is a problem. Are you using tissue paper? Crepe paper? Are you scrubbing your butt? Is your ass a cheese grater? I DON’T UNDERSTAND.

The bears don’t wear pants.

…which means they are walking around naked and talking about asshole wipers with their imaginary assholes all out there.

Also, they are a bunch of misleading assholes (no pun intended).

Procter & Gamble, owners of Charmin brand, were accused of implying that they leave fewer pieces behind than competitor Kimberly-Clark–something Kimberly-Clark said P&G can’t prove.

———–

It seems that Quilted Northern took a note from tampon commercials with their “Let’s do real talk about tampons. Screw thoseother ads about periods, we are going to point out the facts of life while trying to still sell you some crotch rockets for your time of the month” and decided they want to do real talk about TP.

CHEEZITS CRISTO, you would think some people think you go in the bathroom to do magic or teleport or something. We all know what you are doing in the bathroom. And once again, if you have this much of a problem being “clean” maybe you should think about your technique instead of your toilet paper?

Workplace Bathrooms are a Lesson In Awkward

Sometimes when the work day is particularly rough and you need to hide, do some coke or actually so some “business,” you can find solace in the bathroom.

I, myself, have gone to the bathroom just to talk myself down before I tried to murder a coworker with a tape dispenser…but that’s another story.

The problem with workplace bathrooms is that unless you have a huge restroom with 5+ stalls, it’s always just awkward. 

1. You always know who is in there with you. 

Generally, you go to the closest bathroom, ie, the one on your floor…which means, everyone else on your floor is going to the same bathroom. And because we are girls, we can simply tell by the shoes who is in there.

I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

I consider one of the more awkward moments is when you both leave the stall at the same time and you are awkwardly washing hands next to each other. Do you small talk? Ignore? High five on a job (hopefully) well done?

2. Silence is NOT golden.

This guy has the right idea.

I am a HUGE supporter of background music in bathrooms because 90% of the time, it’s someone having to listen to someone else do the poo. I can’t speak for anyone else, but *I* do not want nor enjoy listening to you and all the other musical accompaniments–flushing, TP rolls or grunting. However, you are inevitably stuck eavesdropping and feeling like a pervert.

3. It usually ends up in a pee stand-off. 

Scenario: You walk into the bathroom, only to find someone else is in another stall. You go and get ready to do your biz whizz, and you notice the other person is not making any noise. At all.

You start to become paranoid as you both sit in silence, waiting with bated breath who is the first to make a move. WHO WILL IT BE??

This is a pee stand off.

This is basically what it is. Hopefully one of you is not lying on the floor.

 

Why The Fuck Did I Rent This? Netflix Reviews: The Rite

I’m not a horror movie buff at all. As full of curse words and spitfire I am, I am a scaredy cat. I sleep under blankets year round bc I’m almost positivesomething will get me if I’m exposed.(Don’t ask me the logic behind this.)

BUT I decided to venture out and rent The Rite which I thought was about exorcism.

It’s less about exorcism and more about a priest who doesn’t really want to be a priest.

Short story is Michael decides to become a priest instead of joining the family mortician business. After four years in seminary school, he realizes he doesn’t want to be a priest because he doesn’t have the faith (which in my honest opinion, is a pretty good reason to NOT be a clergyman…just sayin’). Instead, his professor sends him to Exorcism School in Rome to erase is skepticism. There he meets Anthony Hopkins as an experienced exorcister? exorciser?….priest who performs exorcism on the regular. Suspense ensues.

*SPOILERS. DON’T LOOK UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE UNIMPRESSED BY THIS MOVIE.*

Good Parts: Anthony Hopkins. Anthony Hopkins is nothing short of bad ass and he’s old as freaking dirt. It takes something to learn how to speak Latin, Italian and Satan and be a great actor in a movie.

Bad Parts: The rest of the movie.

Michael doesn’t really believe in possession, but thinks its stems from mental illness. I can totally understand this, the extremely mentally ill can hear voices, have severe mood changes and generally act a bit cray cray. But once someone starts spitting up Jesus’s nail spikes , I am inclined to believe yep, they have a lil Satan in them. His explanation of “this 16 yr old, pregnant girl totally could of swallowed them before hand to spit them back up” sounds like crap.

ALSO, when you see a demonic fucking horse mule with red eyes, maybe you should start bathing in holy water.

Final Review: Go rent a real horror movie about exorcism like (duh) the exorcist.

Look What I Found Today: Floating Dildo Look-A-Like Water Purifier

Since I like to think of myself as an amateur cook (meaning I can follow a recipe), I love perusing cooking and food blogs in search of new recipes and kitchen porn.

Kitchen porn being fabulous kitchens that I can’t afford, knives that cost more than my kidney and generally unnecessary kitchen things.

Today’s unnecessary thing is this:

Oh, THAT'S where I put Mr. Shakey.

 

When I first saw this on The Kitchn blog, I first thought “That’s not how you wash a sex toy.” However, knowing I’m a pervert and this is family friendly cooking blog, I read further down.

This phallic item is apparently one giant carbon stick that you use to purify water. Chlorine taste out, minerals in. Downside? People are going to ask why is their a giant penis in your pitcher.

Read more here: http://www.thekitchn.com/the-binchotan-coal-water-purifier-by-sort-of-coal-168906

Why The Fuck Did I Rent This? Netflix Reviews: Bad Teacher

I’m going to make a conservative guess that I hate 90% of the movies put out every year. I am just not a movie person for the following reasons:

• It’s hard for me to sit still in a dark room for 2hrs and not wonder every 2 minutes “When the FUCK is this going to end?” (Possible ADD?)
• Action movies bore me to tears. Almost all action movies have the same general flow– identified bad ass, identified side kick/damsel in distress, identified bad guy, things get blown up, killed, maimed, destroyed, bad guy gone, ALL BETTER! While I’m not expecting Oscar winning performances, I don’t like watching things get blown up for the sake of it (PS I Hate Michael Bay) while the scientist in me is silently screaming at the scream “THAT IS NOT HOW [EXPLOSIONS/DISEASE/PHYSICS/GENERAL SCIENCE] WORKS, YOU EFFING MORONS.”
• Most movie trailers look stupid.

And my main reason for hating movies: That movie does not look like it’s worth the price of it’s ticket.

On top of that, unlike most civilized people, I don’t have cable or satellite TV, so I’m stuck with mediocre TV. My solution? NETFLIX. Netflix let’s me watch movies and shows I have waning interest in but there was no way in hell I was going to pay to see in a theater.

Today’s example is Bad Teacher (2011).  I was hoping this would be a funny movie. It was not.

Cameron Diaz (who I affectionately refer to as MelonHead) is a golddigger who is forced to return to her job as a teacher after her fiance’ dumps her spoiled ass.  Obviously, golddiggers make poor teachers since all they know are bjs and credit cards so MelonHead doesn’t bother actually teaching and plans to get giant fake tits instead.  She finds out that the teacher with the highest state test scores in the school gets a huge bonus which brings her that much closer to her goal of looking like a porn star, so she starts teaching with a passion. Melonhead also meets the substitute teacher Justin Timberlake who’s family is ridiculously rich and sets her eyes on him. “Hilarity” ensues.

**Spoilers. Don’t blame me if I completely ruin the movie for you.**

That is the basic plot of the movie. Here are the problems with it:

• Cameron Diaz/MelonHead is not funny. I didn’t think she was funny in Something About Mary and I definitely don’t think she is now.
• Justin Timberlake is creepy. I can’t tell if it is because his character is creepy and weird or if JT is a horrible actor. (It’s a toss up, really.)
• Let’s all agree we want to murder the redhead.
• Ok, so maybe I really hate everyone in this movie except Jason Segel aka Marshall from HIMYM. HE could of been a really good character if they did more than 3 scenes with him.
• The film jumps around a lot. Instead of one major plot line, it seems there are 5 minor ones instead. Melonhead spends the entire movie ripping everyone off trying to get porn tits while also trying to blow Justin Timberlake. Then all of sudden, she’s like “No thanks, I’m going to blow Marshall instead” which leads to an implied relationship and no porn tits. What?! The entire movie is her being a superficial golddigger and in 3minutes she’s not anymore?!

Final Review: This movie sucks.  I suggest you skip it and drink some wine for 2 hrs instead.

WTF: Forever Lazy is Onesie Pajamas for Adults

Oh, TV informercials. You never fail to amuse me. This time it’s the Forever Lazy, a onesie for adults.

In conclusion, buy the Forever Lazy if:

• if your blanket is sooo big that it’s eating you alive.
• if you are too cold in your skanky tiny blanket.
• you are  concerned about showing your ass when you are trying to walk your lazy butt with a blanket instead of putting on a sweater or robe.
• you want to be the most pathetic one at the party.
• your pets hate all your other clothes.
• you need to study for a test and you need your thinking pajamas.
• you want people to talk about you at your tailgates.
• like going to the bathroom without having to take off your pants. You are one step away from a diaper, buddy.

So whenever you decide to give up at life and wear the uniform of the depressing, the Forever Lazy is for you!

Adventures in the Wilderness: West Viriginia

This weekend, Fiance’ and I decided to take a weekend getaway to the wonderful boonies of West Virginia (We got a groupon deal). We were staying in a cozy lil cabin that is at the end of a long and windy road that makes you realize that you easily get murdered and no one would find your body. Luckily the cabin is 100ft from two other cabins so that IF some murderous serial killer gets you, our neighbors MIGHT find you.

Our road trip here was fairly boring, although we did pass some church that proclaims that it’s rebuilding Noah’s Ark. Oddly enough, Noah’s Ark 2.0 scaffold suspiciously looks rectangular so maybe they are constructing an office building instead. Also if the another flood comes (something God said he would never do again)  we know where to go. Drive 2hrs west.

So after 4hrs of driving, we get to our cabin and it’s full of two things: Jesus and deer. There are God quotes everywhere. There are also pictures of deer everywhere: clock, wall photos, tapestries and the shower curtain. Some things have both and the amount of deer in this cabin combined with Jesus quotes makes me feel like they are judging me with their beady black eyes.

Oooh drinking wine by yourself?

 I’m not by myself, Deer Painting of Judgement, I’m just the only one drinking. Jesus turned water into wine so HE would definitely approve!!

Cliffnotes of the 2011 American Music Awards

Did you miss the 2011 AMAs? If you did, good for you! It sucked. In full disclosure, I think most awards shoes suck. However, if your boring friends just keep talking about it, here are some cliffnotes version of what happened so you don’t have to look like a loser.

• BAD: Justin Beiber sang a Christmas song dress in white leather. How many poor cows had to suffer to be part of this horror?
• MEH: Taylor Swift won more awards.
• WTF?: LMFAO’s performance of “Party Rock Anthem” and “I’m Sexy and I Know It” included Justin Beiber and David Hasselhoff, neither of which added anything to the act except embarrassment.
• GOOD: Altho Nicki Minaj had speakers on her butt for her performance, it was one of her more conservative outfits.
• GOOD MINUS THE COMMERCIAL: JLo’s long performance included a commercial for a fiat and also ripping off Britney Spear’s naked-glitter bodysuit from the “Toxic” video. She also began it with pretending to cry, in reference to the time she broke into tears on stage at her concert, then preceded to strip down and dance. All I’m saying if she faked that, maybe there is something to be said on why she divorced Marc Anthony? Hmm.
• WHAT A DICK: Chris Brown still looks a douchebag with blonde hair, stealing moves from MJ and dancing with images of himself on the jumbotron screen behind him. YOU ARE NOT MJ. NOBODY COMES CLOSE. Also, the King of Pop never punched his gf in the face then cried about why people are still upset about it years later on his twitter.
• MEH: Marc Anthony’s almost popped a vein in his forehead while singing (I nicknamed it Lil Marcos) and all his back up dancers suspiciously look like JLo.
• MEH: Katy Perry looked like a space alien princess that swam in pepto bismol singing “The One That Got Away.”
• BAD: One Republic had an awful performance. Off key, out of breath, I think he threw his guitar out of frustration.
• BAD AWFUL!!!!: Christina Aguilera squeezed herself into another unflattering dress to sing “Moves Like Jagger.” Someone please fire her stylist.
• YAY FOR CLOTHES: Maroon 5 won award for favorite pop-rock band. Surprisingly, Adam Levine accepted it while wearing a shirt.
• WTF?: Nickleback presented an award making me question if we went back in time to the 2000s. I’m surprised the people of Detroit haven’t hunted them down and stoned them yet.
• GOOD: Mary J Blige showed why she was the godmother of R&B.
• GOOD: The band Perry made me want to cry with their song “If I Die Young.” How depressing during an awards show.
• MEH: Kelly Clarkson did a swing-jazz version of her song “Mr. Know It All” in a Jessica Rabbit dress.
• WTF?: The band Hot Chelle Rae won some BS Sprint contest for favorite new band or something. I have no idea who they are so I will shallowly judge them based on their looks: If their music is anything like their hair, it’s probably awful and full of artificial enhancers.
• YAY: Adele won best Pop/Rock Album.

Do Redheads age?

I was watching a show when the Fiance walked in and was particularly struck by a salt-and-pepper haired fox with great hair on tv.

Me: I hope your hair looks that good when you get older.
Fiance: I hope so too. That guy’s hair is perfect. I don’t know what happens to a redheads when the get older. I’ve never seen an old….redhead….
Me: oO
Fiance: I mean there is Ron Howard but he has no hair….
Me: Maybe it’s cuz redheads don’t live long enough.
Fiance: :’(

Moral of the story: Redheads don’t have souls or longevity.

INAPPROPRIATE: Club Remix of Adele’s “Someone Like You”

Adele is the type of artist you want to listen to when you need to cry or you need to sit in the dark and be emo for a bit (I’m not judging).

I am getting teary just thinking about it.

This song is a heartfelt, passionate ballad of broken love that in the 4:43min makes me relive all the heartbreak I’ve felt in my life. That’s what it’s supposed to be. Hell, even the video is depressing! It’s in black and white, as if the color has been stripped from her life.

However, all popular songs eventually get remixed into some mutated club mix…including good ole soulful Adele. What was a song you clenched fist and scream-sing in your car with your windows up (not talking from experience or anything…) is now this:

I am so confused. Am I supposed to be dancing or crying? Both? Should I be hugging the stranger next to me so we can comiserate over heartaches? What a buzzkill.